


Saving Mulder

by scully_mulder_stories



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Depression, Domestic Fox Mulder/Dana Scully, Drama, F/M, Love, Mental Health Issues, Post-Movie: The X-Files: I Want To Believe (2008), Pre-Season/Series 10, Relationship Problems, Romance, Suffering
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2019-03-11
Packaged: 2019-06-23 22:36:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15616527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scully_mulder_stories/pseuds/scully_mulder_stories
Summary: This story is set between the 2nd movie and the 10th season and deals with Mulder having depression (because that's what we've got to know at the beginning of season 10) ...Mulder and Scully have a life now, far away from the FBI. But Mulder starts to behave different, his mood changes and Scully worries more and more about him.Does he have any secrets? Something Scully should not know? Or any problems he's dealing with? What's going on with him? Can Scully help him and will they be able to save their relationship?





	1. Their new life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave feedback whenever you want, I'd love to hear your opinions. English is not my native language, so I already apologize :D

It's been a few years now since Mulder and Scully started their new life. She finally worked only as a medical doctor, doing what she always wanted - helping people. And Mulder...well, Mulder was just Mulder, looking everywhere for hints about UFOs and extraterrestrials. He followed any tracks and hints, living out his passion.

The two of them had a life now, far away from the FBI. After their last case which was all about Russian Frankenstein-Doctors, they haven't had contact with the FBI again. It was over for them now, all that mattered was their future. Together.

And Mulder and Scully were happy together. Very happy. She didn't know that she would ever have a life like this. Coming home every day to a place far from stress and problems. Coming home to a place full of peace and love. Coming home to Mulder, the man she loved.

As she arrived home after an exhausting Monday at work, Scully threw her handbag and jacket on the sofa before she walked towards a door and tied her hair into a messy bun, starting the evening mood.

Opening the door she saw him sitting at this desk, his back turned to her. He apparently didn't hear her coming because he showed no single reaction. So she walked slowly step by step to him - careful not to make a sound - and covered his eyes with her hands. Laughing a little, Mulder leaned back into the chair and Scully waited.

"Who could that be?", he asked but didn't get an answer.

"A visitor from outer space? Or maybe....oh now I know it! It's a woman, she's a little redhead and the most beautiful human being in the world and the only one I'll ever love", he said and smiled, his eyes still covered with Scully's hands.

"Well, that's an explanation I can live with", she answered smiling and walked around the chair to let herself fall on his lap.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and he hold her around her waist. Before they got completely lost in their eye contact, Mulder's face got closer to Scully's and their lips touched. Smiling she deepened the kiss and leaned against him, their lips exploring each other, tasting each other.

As they separated again, Mulder stroked with his hand over her cheek before he put a strand of hair behind her ear. With closed eyes she enjoyed his touches, forgetting the stressing day she had and living just in this moment.

"How was work?"

Like falling out of a bursting bubble, Scully was immediately back into reality. With a sigh she got up and walked slowly out of the room through the living room into the kitchen. She heard how Mulder followed her and while opening the fridge she started talking.

"Well, we had some complicated cases today. Some disagreements with the colleagues but nobody died, so it was a good day at all", she told, letting her dark humor come out a little while taking out a cold water bottle. As she drank the cold liquid, she enjoyed the cooling effect it had on her body.

"You haven't eaten the rest of yesterday's lunch?", she asked then as she saw that it was still standing at the same place in the fridge where she had put it yesterday.

Mulder shrugged. "I wasn't hungry today."

Scully looked at him, searching the eye contact. Somehow she felt that there was more that he didn't tell her. Whatever it was, she couldn't figure it out herself but wanted to keep an eye on that.

Due to the fact that she was very hungry and Mulder didn't want the rest of the lunch, she warmed it up for herself as dinner. Mulder made himself a tea instead.

After she finished eating, Scully needed a shower.

"Well, I'm gonna disappear now in the bathroom...", she said but didn't get up. She waited while looking at him, knowing what he would say now with this dirty look in his eyes - but she got disappointed.

"Okay, honey. I'll make myself ready for bed, I'm really tired."

That was it. The answer she got after actually expecting to have a shower with him. Together. A long shower.

He got up and placed a kiss on her head before disappearing upstairs. Scully stayed sitting at the table for a moment, trying to understand what just happened. That never happened before. They always...

With a sigh she got up now, put the tableware into the dishwasher and went to the bathroom. While standing - alone - under the hot water she still thought about what just happened. It wasn't a big deal actually, they could have fun together also other times but there was something in his voice, the way he had looked at her. Something which made her mind going nuts about possible reasons of his behavior.

She got out of the shower, standing in front of the mirror and cleaned it with a cloth to see her reflection. As she saw her tired looking face with the dark marks under her eyes, she had to admit that she could need some sleep as well.

As she entered the bathroom, she found Mulder already laying in bed. The lamp on his side of the bed was turned off, he was completely covered with his blanket.

"Mulder?", she asked quietly and sat down on her side of the bed.

No answer. He seemed to sleep already. With a facial expression which revealed how hurt and worried she was, she lay down on her side and turned off her light.

Her mind didn't allow her to sleep, something kept her awake. Something she couldn't quite figure out yet.


	2. Worries over worries

Scully's alarm clock started ringing at 6am the next morning. With an annoyed moan she pulled the blanket over her head and hoped the sound would disappear. As she then realized it wouldn't stop, she kicked the blanket away to sit up and after she finally turned the annoying sound off, Scully looked at the other side of the bed to Mulder.

He was still laying there, not moving, not looking at her. All she could see was his back. Normally Mulder woke up together with her even though he could sleep longer. It had become like a ritual to wake up together and to have breakfast together. Sometimes they also had some special fun in the morning but...this day it was different.

Mulder was still sleeping, so Scully got up alone. Tired because of the sleepless night she had, she went to the bathroom to make herself ready. She wasn't prepared to what she saw in the mirror. Her eyes were looking tired, her hair was messy. Attractive was definitely something different and with some make up she tried to make herself looking better even though she had to admit it didn't help much.

Before she walked downstairs to the kitchen, she looked a last time through the door of the bedroom but Mulder was still laying in bed.

 _Maybe he's just very tired, I'm gonna let him sleep_ , decided Scully and walked downstairs to make herself a coffee. Sitting alone at the table and trying to get mentally ready for the day, she let her thoughts wander.

It's been a while since Mulder behaved somehow different. It was not only yesterday evening. He was quieter, he wasn't as active as she knew him. Scully was obviously worried about him, something was going on which she didn't like and all she could do was hoping - praying - that he would open up to her. If he had any problmes, he knew he could talk to her, always. But he's stubborn. He never really liked talking about his personal problems but now they are not only his problems. He shared a life with Scully, so problems are need to be talked about. All she wanted was to help Mulder and he knew that.

But what if there was no problem but something completely different...?

Scully didn't know what to do or what to think right in this moment and  decided to leave him a note. Before she made her way to work, she left a message for him at the fridge.

_》Please call me around 12:30. Love you 《_

Scully had her lunch break around this time and didn't want to wait until she was home this afternoon to talk to him. With a last look at the ceiling, as if she could look through it into the bedroom to Mulder, she left the house and went to work.

* * *

As the door closed and the car in front of the window started driving, Mulder opened his eyes. He was still laying in bed, in the same position since he had heard Scully's alarm clock. And all he wanted was staying in bed, laying there all day and doing nothing.

Mulder didn't sleep much that night and he knew that Scully couldn't find some sleep either. He had felt how she was awake, changing her position a few times and breathing the way she always did when she was worried. Her mind didn't seem to come to peace and Mulder felt that it was his fault.

It wasn't his intention to make her worry about something. He couldn't even explain it for himself but somehow he wasn't in the mood for anything yesterday evening. Of course he understood Scully's wink with the shower, but he just didn't felt like.

As he heard how she got up this morning, he didn't want to get up as well. Mulder knew she would ask him about yesterday and he didn't want to make her worry. Scully was a scientist and a medical doctor, it's her nature to want to know every single thought of his mind to find an explanation for his behavior.

She would immediately offer him her help for anything and of course Mulder was grateful for having her at his side, but he was sure that there was no help needed. She would certainly try to talk to him all the time, letting the doctor in herself come out and that was definitely not what he wanted. He just wanted to have some time for himself.

Thinking about all that made him tired again, so he closed his eyes for a second and listened to the silence around him and drifted slowly into sleep...

* * *

While Mulder decided to spend the day with doing as less as possible, Scully was in the hospital, preparing herself for a surgery. While washing her arms and hands, she was still thinking about Mulder. There was something...she knew that. But she didn't know what exactly it was that her mind was trying to figure out.

With a sigh she tried to push those worries in the back of her head to concentrate only on the surgery for the next two hours. Later they would be able to talk, maybe she was worrying just for nothing. For now, Scully wanted to think only about work, and afterwards she hoped to get a call from Mulder.


	3. Waiting

12:24. Scully was sitting in the cafeteria of the hospital with a Salad and a Yogurt in front of her on the table. Actually she liked having this for lunch but today her stomach protested about it. Or was it actually her mind which didn't want to deal with food now?

She couldn't answer it. All she did was staring at her phone laying next to the plate on the table. She hoped it would blow up every second with Mulder's name on the screen, but it remained dark and motionless.

Motionless like their relationship during the last weeks. In thoughts she started poking with the fork into her salad and forced herself to eat something. She didn't like the direction in which her mind was wandering, still searching for reasons why Mulder behaved so different sometimes.

Was their another woman? Did his feelings for her change? Did his love for her faded? Maybe he didn't have any problems he was dealing with, maybe it was because of her. Maybe he really met another woman, someone with whom he was happier.

No, that couldn't be. Yesterday he had said she was the only one he'll ever love. So was Scully wrong thinking about another woman? Or did he lie to her? Would he ever lie to her?

Scully started doubting her own thoughts. Maybe he neither had some emotional problems nor another woman. Maybe she was just about to go crazy because of the stressfull days at work.

With another desperate sigh, she let the fork fall on the table and leaned back, looking outside through the window. She noticed her colleague and good friend Dr. Geena Taylor just in this moment as she was already sitting with her at the table.

"Hi, Dana. You okay?", she asked and looked worried at her.

Before answering something, Scully tried to sort her thoughts which wasn't easy at all and as saw the expression in her friend's eyes, she was wondering how busy and desperate she must look like.

"I don't know, Geena. I think I'm going crazy."

"Crazy? You? No chance. What happened that you're doubting your own mental state?", Geena asked and started eating her lunch.

"Actually I'm not sure at all. I have the feeling that Mulder has a secret which he doesn't want me to know. He's behaving different than usual. Yesterday he told me he loved me and kissed me like a damn God, but then he suddenly changed and didn't even want to jump under the shower with me because he was _tired_. And then he didn't get up with me today morning and now I'm waiting for a call."

Out of breath because she had spoken very fast, Scully took the phone in her hand to look at it again before she put it unnecessary loud back on the table.

Geena understood and could see how frustrated and desperate Scully was about that.

"Have you tried to talk to him?"

"I wanted to do now on the phone and then later at home of course but...", Scully stopped and looked down at the table again.

"But what?"

"What if he is with another woman? What if he doesn't love me anymore as before?", Scully confessed her worries and looked into Geena's eyes.

But Geena just shook her head in disbelief. "No no no, there might be something going on with Mulder but it's definitely not another woman! I mean, look at yourself. Darlin' you're hot! And the last time I saw Mulder and you together you were in love like two innocent teenagers looking everywhere for a private place...which isn't that innocent anymore when I think about it again, but anyway... believe me, I don't know why he behaves like he does but I'm sure there's no other woman!", she said and emphasized her words with moving her fork in the air as if she conducts an orchestra.

"And should I be wrong about that - what I don't believe - I'm gonna kick his ass and kill the other woman. All you have to do then is helping me to get rid of the body. That shouldn't be a problem I think", she added quietly and winked at Scully.

Now Scully couldn't suppress a slight smile. She felt a little bit better, thanks to Geena's words. And she also believed her, Mulder wouldn't meet another woman, never. And if so, Scully would have already noticed it. A slight smell of a different perfume or something. But everything was just as always, besides Mulder's mood changes and the feeling distance between them.

As the two of them finished their lunch, Scully looked a last time at her phone but there was still no call. With a strange feeling in her stomach again, she decided to try to concentrate on work for the rest of the day and would talk to him later. Face to face. And till then she would have to wait.

* * *

While Scully and Geena continued working, Mulder spent his day still at home. He just walked downstairs, slowly step by step, and as he arrived in the kitchen he walked straight to the fridge. As he opened it, his stomach felt as if it would turn upside down and while swallowing this nasty feeling down, he closed the fridge without taking something to eat out of it.

Then he saw the piece of paper with Scully's message. With tired eyes he looked at the clock which said 1:18pm.

"I'm sorry", he said into the quiet room and placed his hand on Scully's note. It was too late now to call her. Whatever she wanted to talk about, it had to wait till she was back home. In thoughts, he stroked with his thumb over the last two words.

He took a bottle of water and went outside to sit down at the stairs in front of the house. There he wanted to wait until Scully came home, he wasn't interested in finding another way to spend his day.


	4. Trying to find words

As Scully was driving home after work, she tried to make herself ready for any possible situation she might be in when she arrives at their house. Will Mulder be home, awaiting her and act like the Mulder she loved? Or will he be at home and be as quiet and strange as the last days? Or will he be-

 _Stop! There's no point in worrying too much about that_ , she thought and shook her head as if she wanted to shake off any negativity.

Everything will be fine, she will tell him how worried she is and he will explain what's going through his mind and they will talk about it. Scully was sure that things will be better when they talked about everything, then she will understand why he behaved like he did.

As she was almost home, she could see someone sitting in front of the house on the stairs. Mulder? Yes, it was him and he was sitting there in his sleeping clothes...didn't he changed clothes today?

"You okay, Mulder?", she asked as she parked the car in front of the house and got out of it.

He nodded and stood up, waiting while she was coming closer to him. As she stood right in front of him and looked at him with a skeptical raised eyebrow, Mulder stroked with his hand slowly along her hair and cheek without saying anything.

He just looked at her, many thoughts were running around in his mind which he didn't want to say out loud, so he just stepped a little closer to her to take Scully into his arms.

Surprised she placed her hands on his back as well, letting it happen but as Mulder leaned back a bit to look at her again, she couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Mulder, is there anything you wanna talk about? You're different since a while and I'm really starting to worry", she said and looked into his eyes, her arms still around him.

Before he answered, he loosened the embrace and took her hands in his. "Why are you worrying?", he asked, he didn't seem to be aware of his behavior the last days.

"I don't know, you're so silent and you seem to turn away from me. Yesterday you spoke only a few words to me, today morning you stayed in bed. You haven't called me even though I left a message for you. And the last days I noticed that your mood often changed in seconds, you seemed so lethargic sometimes and I don't know what to do, Mulder", Scully explained honestly.

She couldn't prevent that her voice was covered with the worries she had carried all the time, but all she needed was to talk about everything. She hated it when unspoken things were standing between them.

"Scully, there is nothing to worry about. I haven't called you today because I saw the message too late, I'm sorry. And I admit that I don't feel that good the last days, but I'm okay. You really don't have to look at me like I'm a seriously ill patient", he tried to joke but could see that she didn't accept that.

"What do you mean, you don't feel that good the last days?", she wanted to know, her eyes full of worries again but Mulder just sighed and looked into the distance, to the woods, the horizon, but not at Scully.

"C'mon, let's go inside and you tell me about it, okay?", she tried it again with soft voice and stood on the first step of the stairs, not letting go of his hand.

He needed a moment before he finally went inside with her. As the door closed behind him, he felt as if he was in a cave. He couldn't change the topic anymore. Scully wouldn't let go of him until she was sure that everything was alright. But what should he say?

It would be a lie if he pretended that everything was alright and he just had some bad days lately. But he neither wanted to lie at her nor to tell her the truth. The problem only was, whatever he said now wouldn't stop Scully's worries. And he knew that.

While Mulder was trying to find the right words for everything he didn't want to tell, he watched Scully making some tea as always when they were going to talk about things with each other. As Scully sat down to him at the table and placed her hands carefully around her cup of tea, she looked at him and waited. But he remained silent, staring at his own tea.

"Mulder, please talk to me", she almost begged and felt her heart beating faster. Her intuition told her that something was wrong and with every second it would get worse.

"I just...", he started but stopped, struggling with finding words.

Some moments passed in which nobody said a word. Scully gave him the time he needed to continue.

"I just feel so sorry for everything, Scully", he finally answered quietly and dared to look into Scully's eyes for a second before he looked down at his hands again.

"Sorry for what?", Scully asked carefully.

"For everything what we experienced. If you wouldn't have started working with me, everything would have developed different for you. No cancer, you could have started your medical career earlier, you could have lots of children, a big family, you could have the perfect life you deserve. It's all my fault-"

"Mulder, no. Please stop saying this. It's true, meeting you and working with you influenced my whole life. We went through ups and downs and experienced good and bad things, but that's life. And Mulder, I do have the perfect life because I have you. Without you, I wouldn't be who I am and nothing of everything bad that happened to me is your fault, don't ever think that", Scully answered with soft voice, placing one of her hands on his.

He didn't say anything in respond but stared at their hands. Mulder knew that she wasn't lying at him, Scully really meant what she said but he couldn't shake this feeling off.

"But what have I ever given you? I was always such a fanatic about unexplainable things, ufos, aliens. I pulled you into this spirale which was all about finding a truth we never really found. People tried to destroy us more than one time and I should have stopped it for you, I should have tried to keep you safe but I couldn't. It was all for nothing, everything I worked for led me into a big black hole without finding something, everything I did was being egoistic. I haven't achieved anything", he said with monotonous voice and Scully could see some tears filling his eyes.

She couldn't stand to see him like this, she never saw him suffering under such feelings of guilt. Without knowing what else to do, she got up from her chair and stood behind him, benting down and wrapping her arms around his neck, placing her head next to his.

"Mulder, what happened in our past stays in our past. It was my own decision to go this way together with you and everything that happened to us brought us closer to each other and I'm grateful for that. I love you, Mulder. Please remember that you can always talk to me about everything, okay? And please try to stop having these thoughts, there's nothing to feel guilty about or something. You don't carry the responsibility for things which went wrong on our journey", she said and hoped he would feel better soon, she just didn't know him like this.

Mulder leaned his head against her's and closed his eyes while listening to her words. He loved her so much and was grateful to have her in his life as well, but he knew deep inside of him that he might have been able to prevent some things in their life, to make things better, to achieve greater things.

"I love you, too", he whispered and Scully placed a kiss on his head before she sat down on the chair next to him again.

They drank their teas in silence and Scully didn't stop looking at Mulder, who tried to avoid any eye contact. She wondered if there was more behind his behavior and the thoughts he had. Was it just a short phase he's going through? Or was it a bigger issue? She didn't want to let her mind wander in this direction, but what if there was a serious mental problem...?


	5. In the middle of the night

The following night seemed to last an eternity. Scully tried to be close to Mulder but he showed no single reaction as she lay down with her head on his chest. She couldn't say if he was already sleeping and that was the reason he didn't wrap her arms around her as usual, but she knew one thing for sure: She missed her old Mulder and would do everything to get him back.

A few hours later, it was still dark outside and the fresh air made his way through the half open window into the room, Scully felt Mulder moving. Carefully he sat up and put the blanket aside. He buried his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes before he got up and went to the door. Just as he touched the handle, Scully woke up completely.

"Mulder?", she asked sleepy.

"I'm just going downstairs to get some water. Go back to sleep, honey", he whispered and left the room.

With a strange feeling, Scully felt a little alone in the dark and silent room, so she sat up and wanted to wait for him. As she stroked some strands of her hair out of her face, her eyes were caught from the full glas of water standing on Mulder's nightstand. In the moment as her sleepy brain started to put everything together, she already heard through the open window how the door downstairs closed.

Did Mulder just leave the house?

Scully kicked the blanket away and stepped quickly to the window. In the dark of the night she saw Mulder walking along the path in front of their house, but why?

Without wasting another second, Scully hurried downstairs, put her shoes on and left the house. She followed Mulder and even ran the last part of the way to him.

"Mulder, what are you doing?!", she wanted to know, out of breath because of the run. She took his arm and stopped him from walking. He didn't even seem to be surprised that she had followed him.

"I just needed some fresh air", he explained quietly. "Some fresh air to think."

"Mulder, it's in the middle of the night. What do you have to think about now that you're walking around outside...alone?", Scully asked. Her voice wasn't much louder than Mulder's but full of desperation, longing for an answer that made sense.

Mulder just took her hand from his arm and looked how their fingers entwined. It was a cute picture, Scully's small but elegant looking hand in his big and protective one. Her hand in his somehow presented their relationship, the meaning of being together and going through everything hand in hand without loosing each other. Anyway Mulder couldn't come to peace with himself.

"I don't know, I just can't sleep. I'm doubting everything I did in my life, all the time I think what I could have made better, which mistakes I could have prevented and what I'm responsible for", he said but didn't dare to look into her eyes.

Scully sighed. Why couldn't he just stop worrying about everything and nothing? She tried to understand him, she wished to be able to stop this negativity and feelings of guilt inside of him. Before she could even answer something, Mulder already continued speaking.

He looked worried at Scully and rubbed with his hands along her arms. "Scully, you're shivering", he said and earned an unbelieiving look of her.

With a little shake of her head, Scully just stared at him. "Mulder, it's early in the morning, in the middle of the night. I'm wearing only my sleeping clothes, so of course I'm cold", she answered and wrapped her arms around herself.

"Let's go back inside", he said and put his arm around her to walk side by side back to their house.

While they walked the few meters without talking to each other, Scully wondered if Mulder would ever turn back into the man she fell in love with.

As they were laying together in their bed again - both on their own side, their backs turned to one another - Scully couldn't help it but started crying. She tried to let her tears fall down in silence, but she couldn't suppress a few sobs. Mulder heard it and turned around to her.

"Scully? Love, why are you crying?", he asked and hugged her from behind. He kissed her shoulder and waited.

Trying to calm down, Scully breathed in and out a few times before she turned her head a bit, seeing Mulder in the corner of her eye.

"Mulder, I'm feeling helpless, powerless. Since a while I'm missing the love between us, you're going through something and all I want is helping you to get better. However, all you do is locking yourself up so I can almost not reach you anymore", she said with breaking voice.

She felt how Mulder's body tensed and that he got a little closer to her. "I'll never stop loving you and you know better than anyone else that I can't lock myself up from you. Just give me a little time, okay?", he whispered.

Scully nodded. What else should she do? With tears in her eyes and Mulder's arms around her, she finally fell asleep.


	6. The calm before the storm

_Pancakes. No, fresh toast and jam. And coffee. Or-_

Thinking she would smell fresh breakfast, Scully opened her eyes a little bit but she immediately closed them again as she saw the time on her alarm clock. It wasn't even 6am, she could sleep a bit more and would definitely take every single minute she got before she had to go to work.

Just in the moment as she drifted to sleep again, the door opened and Mulder came in, holding a tray with breakfast for the two of them on his arms. He put it on the nightstand before he lay down on the bed to Scully and kissed her arm, wandering upwards to her shoulder before he reached her cheek.

"Good morning, my love", he whispered next to Scully's ear but she just buried her face in the pillow, moaning in sleep and all Mulder could figure out was something which sounded like _"I don't want"_

"You don't wanna have breakfast? A mild cup of coffee, toasts... _kisses_...", he added whispering and gave her another kiss on the head.

Now Scully opened her eyes and turned around to him. "I didn't say I wouldn't want that", she said and placed her hand on his neck, pulling his face down to hers for a kiss. It was a kiss she needed since days, the touch of their lips which said _I'm here, I love you._

While they kissed, Scully smelled the scent of breakfast again and then she saw it standing behind Mulder on the nightstand.

"Why is this so far away from me?", she asked and looked at the cups and the toasts.

Mulder laughed and sat up, took the tray and placed it between them on the bed. Scully was sitting now as well and enjoyed the scent of coffee which made it's way through her nose and filled every inch of her, waking her up.

_That's a way to start the day_ , she thought.

They started to drink their coffees and eat their toasts while joking around like young teens. After a short while Mulder leaned back into his pillow and did nothing else than looking at Scully.

"What?", she asked laughing.

"You're cute", he said.

"Cute?"

"Yes, and you actually don't even need the jam to make it more evident", Mulder answered and raised his hand to remove a spot of jam in her mouth angle.

Scully felt how she blushed a little and looked down in her already empty cup of coffee. She put it back to the plates and Mulder placed everything back on the nightstand. Then he got closer to her and wrapped his arm around her while she rested her head on his shoulder. 

"Thank you", Scully said and closed her eyes, enjoying this moment.

"Not for that, a breakfast in bed is something a hardworking, brilliant and beautiful woman should get every morning", Mulder answered and kissed her head again.

Just in this moment the alarm clock started ringing and tore Scully out of this moment. Also Mulder sighed, knowing that she had to make herself ready for the day now.

"We will continue this today evening", Scully said and kissed him before she got out of the bed and disappeared into the bathroom.

Mulder smiled and brought the empty cups and plates back downstairs in the kitchen and cleaned up a little while he waited for Scully to come downstairs as well. He thought about her cute smile before she had kissed him, the way her cheeks had flushed, the glow in her eyes before she left the bed. He loved her and wished she wouldn't worry about him as much as she did.

Just in this moment Scully appeared in the kitchen. "Mulder, have you seen my keys somewhere?", she asked and looked around.

Indeed Mulder had seen them as he just cleaned up and gave her the keys now. But he didn't let her go afterwards. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer, kissing her passionately. Scully moaned into his mouth and felt how her knees started getting softer.

"Hmmm...Mulder, I have to go", she murmured and tried to loosen his arms around her even if deep inside she wanted to stay and continue this with him.

"And thank you again", she said. "I'm glad you feel better now than yesterday and the days before. It's good to see you smiling again, not like the previous days..."

Mulder sighed and let go of her, turning away from her. Scully didn't know what was going on. Did she say something wrong?

"Mulder?"

"Why can't you just stop treating me like a little child?", he asked and looked at her in a way which let Scully feel attacked.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sick or anything. Can't you just stop looking at me as if you were a doctor?", he said with agitated voice and gave Scully a look which made her shiver.

"But Mulder, I **am** a doctor and when I see that you're not feeling good then of course I'm worrying and will try everything possible to make you feel better."

"But you're not only a doctor, Scully. And I'm definitely not a patient of yours. I don't need someone who takes care of me every second and asks me all the time how I feel. Why can't you understand that I also need time for myself sometimes?"

"What? But I do understand that you need time for yourself and that's completely okay. I just can't accept it when I see you hanging around like a depressive boy who doesn't talk to me, to the person he's sharing his life with! Is it forbidden now to worry about beloved people?", Scully said with high voice. She also felt how her cheeks started burning, a feeling she always got when they argued.

"It just doesn't make me happy having someone around me who asks all the time how I feel! I'm thinking about so many things lately that I just don't need you to worry about me!", Mulder said and got angry but tried to keep himself together.

For a moment Scully remained silent, thinking about what she just heard.

"You don't need me?", she asked whispering but didn't get an answer.

"You don't need me?", she repeated and her eyes started tearing up. Her voice wasn't as loud and high as before but very calm and cold, distant. "Do you want me to go? Do you even have enough time for me, now that youre going through something you don't want me to understand?"

Mulder just looked at her. He didn't know what to say and that was already enough for Scully. She let her eyes wander through the room, trying to calm herself down from what just happened in this moment.

"Are you even truly happy with me, Mulder?"

"I...I don't know", he said quietly, looking into her eyes for a moment before he lowered his face again.

For a moment nothing else than silence was standing between them, no words, no explanations. Just silence and the deep hurting feeling that something between them just broke apart...


	7. Too many questions

_"I....I don't know." ... those sad but somehow also expressionless looking eyes ... this pain deep inside of them ... the cold between us where just a short while before was warmth and love ..._

How could love just disappear like that? What did happen that an argue escalated this way? Destroying everything in not more than just a few minutes?

Scully couldn't find an answer, her heart was still beating faster than it actually should, tears were burning in her eyes and her hands on the wheel were shaking. After Mulder and she were standing in front of each other in silence, she had turned around and went to the car. Work was waiting for her, patients who needed her.

And Mulder? He seemed to need her as well, even though he refused to accept that. He basically pushed her away from him, isolated himself and complained about any try of Scully's help.

And she couldn't understand it at all. First he was the cutest man she could dream of, and then he suddenly yelled at her. She didn't recognize her Mulder anymore and he didn't even allow her to worry. She felt as if he didn't want her anymore than before...

* * *

After Scully had closed the door behind herself and Mulder heard the car driving away, he hit with the energy of his frustration and desperation against the fridge and kicked against everything which was in his near. He almost didn't notice the little piece of paper falling down. As he knelt down to pick it up, he recognized it as the message Scully had left for him on the fridge yesterday.

And suddenly it was as if somebody would have flicked a switch somewhere inside of him. Kneeling there on the floor, his heart cramped, his body started shaking and his eyes were filling up with tears.

He read the last words again ... _I love you_

"Scully...", he said with broken voice and got finally overwhelmed by his tears. He broke down, lay on the ground and gave himself up to his own feelings.

_What did I do? Why did I say I wouldn't be happy with her? Today morning everything was perfect, then I got annoyed and that led to this?! How could I do that?_

Sobbing and ashamed of himself, Mulder was laying there, feeling alone. He knew he made a mistake arguing with Scully just about the fact that she was worried, but he had to made himself clear. That it would end up like this was not his intention....

* * *

"Hey, Dana!"

Scully was standing in the locker room, staring at the inside of her locker. Once again she didn't her Geena coming and was startled as she heard her voice.

"Geena", she said relieved as she turned around and saw her.

"Yes, it's me. What is it?", Geena asked and came closer to her, Scully looked at the inside of her locker again.

As Geena looked over her friends shoulder, she saw a photo of Scully and Mulder, both arm in arm and looking into the camera. It was a happy and beautiful photo but Geena couldn't find a smile on Scully's face.

"Dana, what happened? And don't say _I'm fine_ , I know you're not! Did you talk to him?"

Scully sighed and closed the locker. Before she turned around to Geena, she cleaned her cheeks from her tears.

"We talked indeed. And we had an amazing breakfast in bed together this morning."

"But?"

"But then we happened to argue and now I don't know what to think anymore. First he said he loved me, but apparently not enough because then I got to know he can't say if he's truly happy with me...", Scully started and told Geena everything from the previous evening and the happenings the day after.

They were sitting on a little bench in the room and Geena listened attentively, giving Scully a few seconds before she revealed her thoughts about it.

"He seems to carry something, something heavy and complicated he can't really put into words. And he seems to need help or otherwise it won't end well for both of you", she said honestly and stroked comforting over Scully's back.

Scully just nodded, she felt tired and sad about what had happened. She couldn't find words in respond, she knew that there was something, something she would find out. Today. That was her aim now.

"We should go", she just said and got up, feeling Geena's worried eyes in her back. "There are patients waiting for us."

Together they left the locker room and Scully's thoughts were still circling around one thing. There was an idea forming in her mind, a possible explanation of Mulder's behavior.

 _Today I'm gonna find out what's going on with you,_ she thought and started to concentrate her thoughts on work. She already knew what to do during her lunch break today.

A few hours later, Scully was walking through the corridors of the hospital, looking for a certain doctor while everyone else was enjoying their lunch break. She knew that he never went to the cafeteria for lunch, he always had his own lunch box with him and ate in his office.

As Scully finally stood in front of the door, she breathed in and knocked twice.

"Come in", she heard from the inside and opened the door, looking with her head through the gap.

"Hello, Dr. Wyatt. I'm sorry to disturb your break, but do you have a second for me?"

Behind a big old desk in front of the window was sitting a man who looked as if he had the same age. His eyes behind his big glasses were looking friendly at Scully, in his hands he hold a half eaten sandwich.

"Dr. Scully! Yes, sure. Come in, come in. How can I help you?", Dr. Wyatt asked and offered her the seat in front of his desk.

Scully stepped closer while Wyatt put the sandwich back into his box and cleaned his fingers and mouth with a napkin.

"It's about my partner...boyfriend...Mulder. I'm worrying about his behavior, he changed and I don't recognize him anymore. I thought a psychologist like you may be able helping me to understand it", Scully explained and played nervous with her fingers.

_Is it okay that I'm talking to Dr. Wyatt about Mulder? I feel as if I would betray him, but what should I do otherwise?_

Being helpless is a feeling she didn't like, so all she wanted were answers. And she wanted go get them now, hoping that her suspicion about Mulder was wrong and Wyatt would tell her something else ...


	8. We need to talk

It's been a few minutes now, since Scully had told Dr. Wyatt everything about Mulder's current condition and behavior. He listened attentively, took some notes and as Scully had finished, he leaned back in his chair with a thoughtful sigh.

Scully wasn't sure what to do. Wyatt looked like he was thinking and sorting the information he just got, so she decided to wait. The silence in the room together with the scent of the sandwich were almost as unbearable as the distance between her and Mulder. Her eyes were looking questioning at Wyatt, who had closed his eyes for a moment.

"You say his mood often changes without specific reasons?", he asked after a while and looked over his glasses at Scully who just nodded. She didn't want to repeat everything again.

"And he overthinks many things in his life, feels guilty for happenings in your both past?"

She nodded again. "He also seems to be tired all the time, sometimes he behaves extremely nervous and anxiously and today morning he was ... almost aggressive", Scully said and noticed her voice getting quieter.

"He also doesn't really want to eat, he doesn't sleep enough and ... his voice sounds often just so monotonous and quiet. It's hard to explain but he somehow completely changes and ...", she stopped and looked down at her hands.

"And?", Wyatt asked patiently and waited.

"And I actually just came here to you because I'm afraid that my suspicion might be true."

_I hope it's all wrong. I just overreact. There's nothing. It will get better. Just give him time._

Dr. Wyatt nodded slowly. "Dana, you're a brilliant and intelligent woman. I think the reason why you came here is that you are certain your suspicion is true and you just don't know what to do now...From all the things I know so far, I'm getting more and more sure that Mulder suffers under endogenous depression", he answered and didn't take his eyes from her.

He could see how the expression in her eyes changed. There wasn't anymore the strong and confident Dana Scully. There was suddenly a hurting and desperate woman who reached out for help for someone she loved.

"I-I just don't know what to do. He doesn't let me talk to him about it. He pretends to be fine and I just can't break that walls around him." Scully's trembling voice was covered with pain, she felt her eyes burning again. Her suspicion became truth.

"The first step is, that Mulder has to realize he needs help. We can't help someone who doesn't let it happen", Wyatt explained and gave Scully a package of tissues.

She took it and nodded. Of course she knew that. But would Mulder accept it? Would he admit that he needed help? Serious help?

"We should run some medical tests on him. This kind of depression is caused by an imbalance of the neurotransmitters in the brain and we should get sure that we made the correct diagnosis to find the best way of healing", Dr. Wyatt continued objectively.

He was already talking about Mulder as if he were a patient. But how should Scully manage it to make Mulder aware of the cause of his condition? Would he even listen? ...

She thanked Dr. Wyatt for listening to her and promised she would try everything to help Mulder now. For the rest of the day she couldn't force her mind to focus completely on work, in every free minute her thoughts were drifting away.

"I just don't know how to start", she admitted to Geena as they were leaving the hospital after work.

"I don't know him as good as you, but I'm sure you'll find a way to make him clear what the actual problem is. And from all I've known of him, I'm sure he will believe you. He trusts you and he will certainly realizes - now or later - that he needs help", Geena answered and tried to give her a hopeful smile.

She couldn't stand it to be so helpless, she wished she could do more for her friend than just reassuring that everything would be fine but there wasn't anything she could do.

"You know that whenever you need help or just want to talk, call me. I'm there, okay?", Geena said while searching the eye contact with Scully.

She nodded and said goodbye to her friend with a hug before they both went to their cars. On the way home Scully's thoughts were circling around Dr. Wyatt's words again. Endogenous depression. Depression. Her Mulder. She felt how her eyes filled up with tears but she tried to ignore them.

 _Don't let this overwhelm you now. After you explained it to him and he gets the right treatment, it will get better_ , she tried to calm herself down.

But how should she find the right words?

* * *

Mulder could hear her entering the house. He was laying in bed, not motivated to get up and do something, not interested in finding a purpose of the day. He felt just sad.

"Mulder?", a soft voice asked carefully from the door. Steps were coming closer. "Mulder, we need to talk."

He felt how she sat down next to him on his side of the bed, but still didn't open his eyes. Why talking now?

"I know you're awake", Scully said, her voice was silent and carefully as if he wanted to make sure that nothing would break apart while she spoke.

So he opened his eyes, his heavy eyelids and Scully hold her breath as she saw how red and tired they were looking at her.

_He cried. Why did he cry? Because of today morning?_

"What is it?", Mulder asked and sat up. They weren't sitting close to each other, the distance between them was visible now.

"I talked to Dr. Wyatt, Mulder. He's a psychologist at the hospital and-"

"You did what? Wait! Did you talk about me?", Mulder interrupted her, he sounded angry.

"Yes, and ... I just didn't know what to do and needed an expertise about-"

"About me?!" Now his voice was getting more furious and Scully was frightened about what might happen if she continued talking.

"Mulder, please come with me to the hospital tomorrow to run some tests. We ... we assume you might be sick and we want to help you. I want to help you", she continued and looked at him with begging eyes.

She tried to take his hand but he got up from the bed and walked to the window.

"What do you mean _I'm sick_?", he wanted to know but didn't look at her.

"I mean ... your behavior, your changing moods, your feelings of guilt and steady tiredness. Mulder, that's just not you and it could be that ... that you're having a certain form of depression."

As the last word left Scully's lips, Mulder turned around to her. "You've got to be kidding. What the fuck are you talking about?!", he said and walked past her out of the room, downstairs and left the house.

"Mul-!", Scully said but he was already gone. Through the window she could see him running into the forest and she decided that she couldn't leave him alone now, so she hurried outside as well.


	9. In need of help?

"Mulder! Stop, please!!"

Scully was running after him and called for him, but he didn't slow down nor turned around to her. He was already far away and Scully didn't even know if he could hear her. He just kept running, running away from her.

"Please, Mulder!!"

Now he stopped. He turned around and even on this distance she could see how hurted and angry he looked at her. Scully knew that if she started running again, he would disappear immediately so she stopped as well. They looked at each other from this distance a while, then Mulder opened his mouth.

"I'm **not** one of your patients. I don't need a doctor and I'm **not** having depression!", he screamed so loud that Scully could hear every word.

Slowly she walked forward, hoping that he would remain standing where he was. "I just want you to listen, okay? Please don't run away", she answered with loud voice as well but tried to keep it a gently as she could.

He stayed standing where he was. He let her come closer. As she finally stood in front of him, she wished his face wouldn't look as it did. It was so full of anger, hate and disbelief. And Scully felt attacked by this look, knowing that it was because of her.

"I don't need any stupid medical tests. I'm fine!", Mulder said with cold voice before Scully even knew how to start by herself.

Mulder still couldn't believe what she had just said to him a few minutes ago. Depression? Him? How dare she to say something like this?

"But Mulder, I'm serious about this. We need to check if you're really alright", she started talking slowly and something came into her mind.

"Look, just agree on this tests and when we have the results we know if you're sick or not. Maybe you're right and ... you're fine", she said even if she didn't believe her own words. Mulder wasn't fine at all even if he refused to accept that.

He sighed and looked above to the sky, avoiding eye contact with her. As he looked down at her again, she already knew what he would say before he even breathed in.

"Scully, I don't know what's going on with you but you're apparently going crazy. I don't need any fucking tests, I know for myself that I'm alright. Maybe you should start checking out your own know-it-all-brain because you're talking just crap!"

Now it was too much for Scully. Even if he was sick, she wouldn't let him offend her without defending herself.

"That's enough! Mulder, the only thing I'm thinking about lately is you and your health because I worry about you! And now you're basically attacking me. Stop this childish behavior and become an adult again, Mulder! I'm tired of your ' _I'm fine so leave me alone'_ -attitude. I'm not trying to hurt you or something, I want to _help_  you!! Why can't you see this? Where's your trust in me you've always had?!"

She stopped out of breath and looked with angry eyes up to him. Mulder eyes still showed the same expression but she could see something else as well which she couldn't describe. His mouth was opened a little, just as if he wanted to say something in respond but he didn't.

"I want to be alone", he finally said and turned around, walking to the woods.

Scully didn't follow him first. She remained standing there on the path and looked after him. With shaking head she tried to understand what just happened. Would she even find any way to make it clear to him that he needs help? He blocked every try of her, so what could she do next?

Before Scully could answer her own question, she noticed that Mulder wasn't to see anymore. Her heart beated faster and she started running again, running in the direction he went.

After a few seconds she had to admit to herself that she had lost him, there was no sight of Mulder and Scully found herself surrounded by trees. Lost and alone.

"Mulder!! Please come back!", she shouted into the forest. Some birds were flying away, frightened by the sudden scream but Mulder didn't show up.

Desperate Scully turned around a few times, looking for his appearance somewhere between the green and brown of the woods. No chance. He wasn't there.

"Oh fuck!", she screamed frustrated and rested her left shoulder at a tree, trying to calm down her breath and clear her mind. Her eyes were still wandering around, hoping to spot Mulder somewhere.

There! Was it him? Yes!!

She started running again, not taking her eyes from the person sitting on a rock next to a little river. She slowed down and caught her breath just before she arrived next to him and knelt down by the rock. Mulder was sitting there, his head was hanging low and from her position she could see tears on his cheeks.

"Mulder?", she asked carefully and his eyes met hers.

"So you say I need help?", he asked back, his voice was very quiet and broke, he was almost not understandable.

Scully sighed and got up to sit down next to him. She wrapped her one arm around his shoulders and grabbed with her other hand his hands. "Yes, I think so. If you ... come to the hospital tomorrow with me and agree on some medical tests then ... then we find out how we can help you", she answered gently, hoping about a different reaction this time.

Mulder remained silent for a while, staring at the water flowing along it's own path. Then he nodded and suddenly burst into tears. He couldn't hold them back and buried his face on Scully's shoulder.

"I'm sorry, so so sorry", he sobbed and tried to get his shaking body back under control.

"Don't be, it's okay. We're getting through this, together." Scully stroked his back with her hand and kissed his head. They stayed sitting there a while until Mulder was in control of his tears again.

As Scully eventually got up, she offered Mulder her hand and he took it. Together they made their way back home, not talking, not mentioning anything about what happened and what would happen the next day. Scully was just feeling so glad that Mulder agreed on the examination. They would find a way to overcome this, she knew that.


	10. The truth

_Some people say they can predict the future, tell you what will happen and what choices you will have to face. If you believe them or not is the decision everybody has to make by himself. We all have to choose our paths and make our decisions, often because it's for our own good but also because there are persons we want to keep with us on our paths. When laughter turns into silence and warmth into cold, then it's time to get up and reach for change. We all have to make our decisions and choose what's right or easy and often it's when we're already going through it, that we see what we have done ..._

* * *

Scully and Mulder both didn't talk much the next morning. Too many of their own thoughts were waiting to be put into words but that was more difficult than it sounds.

Their minds didn't really let them come to peace or in Mulder's case, didn't want to come out of this tiredness. While they got dressed, Scully looked a few times at Mulder and with every second her stomach started to hurt even more. He had changed, he has gotten so much skinnier over the last weeks and every single one of his moves seemed to be too hard and exhausting.

"You okay?", she asked carefully as they both stood in front of their big mirror in the bathroom.

Mulder nodded and took his toothbrush to avoid more eyecontact  but Scully saw the tiredness in his face. As she looked at herself, she had to admit once more that slepless nights were making her look awfully old. With a quiet sigh she made herself ready as well and only minutes later they were already sitting in the car.

Mulder sat on the passenger seat and looked out of the window by his side, saying nothing. Scully knew that she should start driving to be in the hospital as soon as possible, but she also felt the need to talk.

"Mulder?"

"Yes?", he almost whispered without turning his head to her.

"Please, Mulder. Look at me."

He turned around but needed some seconds until he let looked into her eyes. His look was hurting Scully more than she wanted to admit.

"Mulder, you know that I don't want to harm you with all that, don't you? Nobody wants that. I only want to help you, I want you to know that you're not alone", she said and reached for his hand.

He took it and stroked with his thumb over it's back before he opened his mouth to say something in respond, but the words didn't really want to come over his lips.

"I know", he said then because it was the truth. He knew that she was always there for him - and of course he was thankful for that - but a little part of him just didn't want that help now. Mulder couldn't even find an explanation for that and swallowed this strange feeling down.

Just in this moment he saw that Scully was still looking at him with worries and unspoken questions in her eyes. But he didn't want her to worry anymore. In the hospital they would find out that there wasn't much to worry. At least he hoped that.

"Let us go", he said and tried to give her a reliant smile.

"Yeah...and whatever happens, Mulder...I love you."

He felt how some tears were starting to fill his eyes but he tried to suppress them. He didn't want to cry now.

"I love you more", he answered and placed his hand on her cheek.

Scully closed her eyes for a few seconds before they finally started their way.

* * *

  _A few hours later in the hospital:_

"I'm sorry you had to wait so long. So many patients today, so many patients..." Dr. Wyatt entered the room next to his office where Mulder and Scully were already waiting.

All the medical tests and examinations had been done and now Dr. Wyatt was returning with the final results and diagnosis. He didn't came alone though, there was another doctor with him. Her name was Dr. Johnston and she was the neurologist of the hospital.

Already in the second as they entered the room, Scully could see it in their faces. She knew what they would say because she knew that her face always revealed the same expression when she talked to patients and their families about the things nobody want to hear. Mulder was sitting next to her with a facial expression mixed of insecurity and pain. He seemed to know as well.

"Mr. Mulder", Wyatt started as he sat down to them. He paused for a moment as if he would search for the right words while Dr. Johnston stayed standing behind him.

"We have already talked about why we're doing all these tests and what our suspicion is", Wyatt continued slowly. "What we also explained was that a certain imbalance of neurotransmitters in the brain can be the cause-"

"What is it now?", interrupted Mulder him because he wasn't in the mood for listening to all those scientific explanations.

"Am I sick now or not?", he kept asking impatiently.

Dr. Wyatt and Dr. Johnston shared a look while Scully took Mulder's hand in hers, knowing what they would get to know now.

"Our suspicion has been confirmed, it is endogenous depression, but there's treatment for it and it can be healed. It's certainly nothing to be afraid or ashamed of and-"

"No..."

"Mulder?"

"It's all my fault", he said and let go of Scully's hand. Then he suddenly got up and stormed out of the room.

"Mr. Mulder, we should talk-"

Nobody listened. Of course Scully jumped up as well and ran after Mulder but as she arrived in the corridor, she couldn't see him anymore.

"Dr.Scully?", she heard Wyatt asking and his steps were coming closer, Dr. Johnston was right behind him.

"He...I...I'm gonna find him", she said and hurried towards the stairs.

 _Please don't do something stupid now, please try to think about your actions_ , she thought while running down the stairs as if Mulder would hear her thoughts.

Out of breath she arrived in the parking garage downstairs and ran to the car.

"Mulder, no!!", she screamed as she saw the car driving away. "COME BACK!!"

... but he just kept driving and disappeared around the corner ...


	11. What If?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took me so long to write a new chapter. Life's really stressing atm.  
> I hope you're still interested in the story:)

Scully was still standing there, her lungs were hurting from the run, her heart was beating fast and her legs started to feel weak. The car was gone, Mulder went somewhere only he knew.

Where did he drive? What is he going to do? Scully knew this feeling of being worried about Mulder. In their past have been so many situations in which they feared for their lives, but this was different. Nobody was threatening Mulder right now, his own mind was his only enemy. And without help, he wouldn't be able to deal with it.

With fear starting to fill her chest, she ran back upstairs again and was glad to get rid of the adrenaline pumping through her veins. She met Wyatt and Johnston again, who asked for Mulder.

"He took the car, I will find him", Scully just said and kept walking, she was looking for somebody else right now. Luckily she didn't have to look much longer.

"Geena, I need your help", she immediately said as she found her friend standing aside and looking through a patient file.

She looked up and her facial expression turned from surprised into worried. "Dana? You ok? What happened?"

"Can you take care of my patients today? I need to find Mulder, to prevent him from doing something stupid."

"Sure, but...what is with Mulder?"

"The diagnosis just got confirmed and I ... I don't know what's he's gonna do now. He ran away all of a sudden, took the car..."

Scully stopped, she couldn't quite focus on speaking in clear sentences anymore. Too many frightful scenarios were beginning to determine her mind. 

"It's okay, go Dana. Find him", Geena said and Scully looked at her, her eyes filled with thankfullness. "Can I take your car?"

Geena just nodded. "Keys are in the locker."

Scully turned around and starting running, running to the locker room, running downstairs again. Her lungs wete hurting, her veins ful of adrenaline again. _Where did he drive?_

She didn't know. _Maybe home?_ She hoped he just went home as she started the car and made her way to their house. All the way she was praying to find him there.

Why did he even run away? Why this reaction? He had seemed to realize that he is in need of help, but now?

"Mulder, if you're doing anything stupid ... I swear I'm gonna kill you", she said more to herself while she made her way through the traffic faster than she actually should, but Scully didn't care at all about other annoyed drivers or walkers. 

A short while later she arrived home, but there was no car to see. He wasn't home? Trying to focus her thoughts, she jumped out of the car and hurried inside. The door wasn't locked but she knew exactly that she hasn't left it open this morning. So Mulder was home?

"Mulder? You there?", she asked loud while walking upstairs, looking in every room. "Where are you?"

As she stepped into the bathroom, she saw that the little package of her sleeping pills was laying on the floor. She knelt down to pick it up as she noticed that it was too lightweight. She took a closer look: it was empty!

Why was it-?

_Oh no_ , she thought.  _Mulder, what did you do?_

With a sharp pain in her stomach, she ran outside to the car again. But where should she start looking for him? She needed to calm down, to concentrate, to think clearly.

_That's it!_ Geena's brother was a police officer. They have met a few weeks ago, he could help her. 

Luckily she had his phone number. With shaking hands she waited until he would pick up the phone.

"Darryl? It's me, Dana. I need your help...", she started and explained him as short as possible what had happened.

"We're gonna find him, we will", Darryl answered and after he got all the information, all the police men and women were already informed that Mulder was missing and in which car he was driving. Scully had send him a photo of Mulder, and she hoped he would be seen somewhere.

"It's just a matter of time now."

_Yeah_ , thought Scully, _but who knows how much time he has left._

"Thank you, Darryl", she just said and hung up. Now her legs were given up and she sank down on the ground, leaning her back at the car. What if he was already...

What if she was left alone now? Where was he? The man she loved?

"I'm gonna find you by myself", Scully said, dried her eyes and got up. She got into the car and thought of every possible place Mulder might go to. Places he would want to see in his current condition. Any places which were somehow important to him.

And she hoped she would be there in time, she didn't want to loose him.


	12. I missed talking to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg it's so long since I posted the last chapter...sorry!

It was a long drive. Mulder couldn't remember it took so long to go there. When was the actual last time he had visited her? He couldn't remember, he felt confused and tired and wished he could rest. But he couldn't. Not until he arrived. He needed somebody who would listen without judging him for his thoughts, somebody he wasn't afraid to tell what was going in in his mind.

Why did he even decided to drive to her? Finding an answer to that wasn't as easy as he thought but none of his visits had ever been a regret to him.

"I'm sorry", he sobbed, feeling alone and like nobody would ever understand him.

In fact it was true. Nobody understood how guilty he felt, all the things that happened, all the ups and downs in the past - certainly more downs since he felt like he was trapped in a deep valley with walls too high to climb out of.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't want all that", Mulder said again, knowing nobody even listened.

Suddenly he heard his cell phone ringing and looked down to it at the passenger seat. SCULLY was blowing up ...

* * *

_Why haven't I thought of that before?!_

Scully was walking up and down next to the car, waiting impatiently for Mulder to answer her call.

She was parking near to a little park, where she and Mulder loved to take little - or better said long - walks, talking about God and the world, letting each other know about their worries, gaining strength from each others love.

All she was hoping for was to find him somewhere but he didn't go to any of their favorite places. Actually he didn't go to any place, he seemed to have disappeared. Was he still sitting in the car, driving somewhere? Did he actually have a certain plan where to go? Was he even able to think clearly?

"Damn it, why can't you just answer the phone?!", she yelled into the air and didn't care of the looks people gave her.

Scully got in the car again and threw the phone on the passenger seat. With a sigh she moved her hands over her face and through her hair, trying to clear her mind.  
And then all her emotions hit her like a stab into the heart. Tears were streaming down her face and her body started to shake uncontrolled to the rhythm of her sobs. She was afraid, afraid of what Mulder was going to do to himself, afraid what was happening right in this moment to him.

Being left in the unknown of Mulder's whereabouts almost killed her, she couldn't deal with it, she wanted to know where he was, what he was doing and what she could do to help him.

 _I should have noticed it sooner. I'm a fucking doctor, why haven't I seen it earlier?_ , she asked herself, full of feelings of guilt and disappointment about herself.  
_But no, this is not the time for self hate now, she said, I need to find him…_

But how often Scully said to herself, that she was going to find him, the more less she believed in her own words.

* * *

A few hours later, Mulder finally arrived by the woman he wanted to talk to. With tired steps he was walking along the path, passing too many names to remember until he stopped infront of a grey, beautiful looking tombstone.

"Hi, mom...", he said but his voice broke and a tear made its way down his cheek.

"Mom, I can't anymore." He wiped his tear away and told himself that there was no need to cry anymore. 

"You know, so many things happened in my life. Samantha, Dad, you...everyone left me. I buried myself in work, I was good in what I did. I had a purpose in life. And then, then came Scully. And all the things which happened to her...her abduction, her cancer, her lost children...our child...all of that would never have happened without me. It's all my fault...and-"

He stopped as he sat down in front of his mother's grave, sitting there in the green grass, staring at all the flowers on the grave next to his mother's.

"I'm sorry, I didn't even think to get you some flowers, Mom...I missed talking to you...You know, the past months I was very busy with myself, I can't really explain it but thinking about all the things in my past, and Scully's past...all that made me feel different. I was sad so often, but other times I was also quite happy. It changed all the time...And today I went with Scully to a doctor, because she was sure to know what is going on with me and-"

His voice broke again and he let his eyes wander around the park, the trees, the birds, the flowers and the names on the tombstones.

"Well, they did indeed find out what's wrong with me.I have...they say I have depression, a certain form of it,", he continued with quiet voice, starting to get clear about what it really meant.

"I have the feeling that nobody really understands me and I can't talk with Scully about it because I can't stand to see those worries in her eyes. It's hurting me more than anything else…"

Just in this moment a couple walked along the way towards him, they didn't pay any attention to him sitting there on the ground but he could hear what they were talking about. It sounded like an argue:

"If you don't let me help you, why are we even together? Do you even understand what love means? I am always there for you, and just because you are going through a rough time in your life doesn't mean that I leave you alone with that! You and me, we are a team and you can't just push me away from you", the women said.

The man sighed deeply before he answered. "But I don't want to see you hurt-"

"Do you think I want to see you hurt? If you would accept that you're not alone with all that, then we could come over all this together. Everthing is going to be fine again, you just need to let it happen and give everything some time, instead of making everything worse with isolating yourself. There are people out there who love you, you just need to open your eyes to see them and let them be with you", the woman said but Mulder couldn't hear the rest of their conversation. 

A few seconds later they were out of his sight.

"This woman, she reminded me somehow of Scully", he said and lost himself in this thoughts. He got up and sat down on a bench a few steps ahead, he could still see his mother's tombstone from over there but the expression in his eyes changed.

He grabbed into his pocket  and looked down at his closed hand. Slowly he opened it and looked at all the little white pills laying on his palm.

_I feel so tired…_


	13. Don't leave me like that

_"Mulder?! Mulder!!"_

A voice sounding like an echo far away from him, made it's way through the air and he could hear her. Mulder could hear her screaming for him, but he couldn't answer. He was too weak to do anything and his eyelids got heavier and heavier ... and finally closed.

* * *

"Are you sure that he is here?"

Scully's eyes were looking desperately for a sign of Mulder, but she didn't find anything. Her lungs were still hurting because of her fast beating heart, the adrenaline in her veins. She couldn't see him somewhere at the cemetery, urgently she tried to remember where exactly Mrs. Mulder's grave was placed.

"You saw the car by yourself, as soon as I got the information from my colleagues I called you. I don't think he left by foot, so-", Darryl started to explain and interrupted Scully's though. She just shook her head in frustration.

She fastened her steps and almost ran down the way, searching for Mulder. With every passing second she felt more and more helpless and wanted to scream all her pain in the air. The world should know her sorrows.

And then she saw it. This bench, not far from her. She saw the person lying on it, one arm was hanging down and it's fingers almost touched the ground.

And with the blink of an eye, Scully realized who this person was.

"No!", she gasped and started running.

_Please no, please._  With every step it felt harder to breath and tears started to blurry her view. _Don't cry, stay focused._

As she arrived at the bench a few seconds later, she let herself fall down on her knees next to it, holding the motionless body on it's shoulders.

"Wake up! Mulder!! Mulder, please!", she begged desperately and even though she tried to wake him up, shaking him on his shoulders - he didn't show a reaction.

Trying to figure out what was just happening, she heard how Darryl came closer as well.

"Dana? Look", he said and knelt down next to her before he pointed at the white pills laying on the ground.

Without waiting for a reaction from Scully, he called an ambulance.

"Mulder, please don't!", Scully almost cried and looked for a pulse on his wrist and neck, but her own hands were shaking too much so she couldn't concentrate and suddenly felt the tears streaming down her face.

_Don't leave me like this._

She let her head fall onto Mulder's chest and let it all out as she suddenly thought to hear something. Looking up, she saw how Mulder moved his head and opened his eyes, blinking against the light of the day.

"Mulder!" Scully gasped and hold his head. "You okay? Did you take those pills?", she immediately wanted to know.

Sobbing and breathing heavily because of crying, she tried to ask the important questions first, even though she wanted to know so much more.

"I ... No, I ... I couldn't. I just took one, to sleep a little ... But not more", Mulder answered sleepy and tried to sit up.

Scully got back on her feet and helped him, before she sat down at the bench as well and put her arms around him. She hugged him tight and buried her face on his shoulder, trying not to cry again. While pressing herself against him, she felt his arms around her back as well.

"Don't do that to me. I thought I lost you, Mulder!"

"I'm sorry, so sorry. I didn't want that, I ... I just don't know what's happening to me." Tge words were silent, the pain was clear to hear in his breaking voice.

"It's okay, we will learn to understand it. Together, but you just can't run away from it all."

"I know that now, I know I need help", he said, burying his face in her hair. "I'm just so afraid, Scully. I don't want to lose you."

Now Scully leaned back to look into Mulder's eyes. She saw the fear behind his tears.

"Mulder, you won't lose me. Don't even think of that."

"I wouldn't even blaim you for it. I can't force you to deal with me, my behavior, my mood-"

"Don't!", Scully interrupted him. "Don't say that. We are together and I don't want to leave you alone in this time. I love you." Her voice was just a whisper, speaking the last three words. She couldn't stand this pain in his eyes and pulled him into a hug again, as tears streamed down Mulder's cheeks.

Just as she heard Darryl shouting "Over here", Scully turned her head around. She saw him waving to some medicals, who were fastening their steps as they saw them.

"What happened?", one of them wanted to know from Scully, while the other one stayed standing by Darryl for a second.

"We thought he might have taken an overdose of those pills here", she handed him the empty package out of her pocket and pointed down on the ground. "But he said he took only one, I believe him", she added.

The medic nodded and started checking on Mulder, who let it happen without complaining. Now Scully also saw that he was shaking because of the cold weather and she wished to do anthing to warm him. To take him into her arms again but she had to let the medics to their job. Just to be completely sure, they said they would drive him to the next hospital and agreed on Scully joining.

Sitting next to Mulder in the ambulance, holding his hand and feeling the car driving, she felt that something was going to change. She hoped that this was finally the way out of this blue darkness into the light of their happy life she wanted to get back.


	14. A new start

_People do things for reasons. Behaviour is controlled by reasons. Isn't it? Or is it also possible that something is happening without a reason? A behavior is unexplained? If so, how do you deal with it?_

* * *

It's been a few hours now since Mulder and Scully had arrived at the hospital. Luckily Mulder was fine, he was okay so far so he just got a bed to sleep and a nurse would come every few hours to check his body temperature.

Scully was sitting on the chair next to his bed, not taking her eyes from him. She saw the pictures from the cemetery in her mind like a film on repeat. How she had seen him, ran to him, thought he was dead. How she was running past Mrs. Mulder's gravestone without paying any attention to it.

Just in this moment she had to think about the moment - years ago - where she couldn't take her eyes off the family tombstone Mulder let made as he was dying of this brain disease. The feelings she had back in the day were starting to come up again, she tried to swallow them down and ignore the knot in her throat. There wouldn't be a tombstone with Mulder's name of it. Not yet, not in the next years. Somewhen in the future of course, but only then when he was old and grey and over 90 years old. She wouldn't let him go earlier.

Distracted by her thoughts, Scully didn't even notice how Mulder woke up. Just as she heard her name, she left her thoughts and came back to reality.

"Hey", she said gently and took Mulder's hand.

"I'm sorry." His voice was tired, broken, just a whisper.

"Don't be. Everything's gonna be fine. We will make it, okay?"

He nodded, unsure what to respond. His eyes were searching hers, but he also didn't dare to look at her for too long. Scully could see that he felt uncomfortable and she wished she could change that somehow.

"Mulder, I know how you must feel. I know that everything isn't easy for you, apparently even talking about it isn't easy-"

"It isn't easy at all...", he interrupted her, but spoke more to himself than to her. He let his eyes wander around the room until he stared only at his and Scully's hand.

"It's not easy at all when you don't even find words to describe your thoughts or your feelings. When you know that there is something, something inside your head that is spreading into every part of your body. Something that fills your soul with emotions, but not with the right words to be able to talk about it. It's like a book of which only you know the story, but every single page is blank, no words are there to let other people read and understand it."

Scully couldn't stop the tears filling her eyes while listening to Mulder. The way he described it, the way he looked down at their hands while the words were stumbling over his lips. In this moment she realized that she didn't really know how Mulder must have felt and was still feeling. She wished she could take his pain away somehow. 

"I'm sorry", he said. He didn't want to see her crying, to be the reason for her tears.

But Scully just shook her head. There was still no need for him to apologize and she tried to suppress her tears.

"I guess we just need to fill the pages of this book with words", she answered and placed his hand on her cheek while still looking into his eyes and tried to smile a little.

"You're not alone, okay?"

"Okay." His voice broke as if he would just have realized, that he indeed wasn't alone.

* * *

The next day, Mulder and Scully were meeting with Dr. Wyatt again and a few days later Mulder started a therapy. It was a difficult start since everything was new and he didn't feel very comfortable with the complete situation. But he soon realized that it was his only chance, he needed to let others help him so that he could help himself and get his life back under control.

But actually it was not only his life he wanted back. It was Scully. He wanted her to smile again, he wanted her to stop worrying and to be happy again. There was no doubt that because of him she got more silent than usual. When they were in a room together, she looked at him with those eyes which weren't the eyes he loved to look into in the past. Her eyes were filled with worries all the time, even thought she tried to hide it. There had to be a change, and if he could get this ... disease ... under control, he and Scully were hopefully able to start at a completely new point.

* * *

After a while Scully stopped checking if Mulder took his pills. She decided that she had to trust him on this, he had promised that he would keep fighting, fighting to get better. And he got better indeed.

Mulder's mood didn't change all of a sudden anymore, he seemed more and more pleased with who he was now and also the hour of running every morning made him feel better.

One day, he had another appointment at his therapist and Scully accompanied him.

"Nice to see you, Mr. Mulder", his therapist greeted him as they entered the room.

Scully took the place next to Mulder, but tried to stay in the background of the situation since it was all about Mulder.

"Sooooo...", he continued as he looked over the notes in his little book. "Mr. Mulder, you're making progress, I noticed that already when we spoke the last time and that's why I thought about something. How would you feel, if you take a break from your medicaments and find out how you feel without them. Would you feel ready for this?"

Mulder nodded. "Yes, I'm sure I can do that. I feel much better already and you know, I'm living together with a doc, so nothing can happen to me", he said smiling and looked at Scully who smiled as well.

"I'm happy to hear that, we will see each other in two weeks again, alright?"

* * *

_Four weeks later:_

"Scullaaaay!?"

"What-? Mulder, why are you screaming?!"

A door opened and closer. Hectic movements. Steps on the stairs. Nervous breathing.

Within seconds Scully arrived downstairs in the kitchen, looking for Mulder. Then she saw him, looking at her, pouting his lips.

"Scully, we forgot the iced tea when we were at the supermarket...", he explained with sad and quiet voice, looking at her, expecting an answer.

"You're such a dork, I thought something happened!" With a serious face she went to him, but couldn't suppress a smile.

"This is extremely serious!! Can't you see that!?", he kept acting and showed Scully the empty place in the fridge where he usually finds his iced tea.

Scully just laughed. "We can go and buy some tomorrow."

"But-"

"Shut up!" Laughing she put his arms around his neck and looked up to him.

Mulder stopped pretending that he was utterly sad about the missing tea and pulled her closer.

"You're right, there are more important things right now", he said and smirked.

Scully nodded and stood on tiptoes to reach his lips with hers. She felt the little butterflies in her stomach, like every time when Mulder kissed her like that. Like two little teens, falling in love for the first time.

"You don't know how happy I am", she whispered after the kiss and rested her head at his chest.

"I'm pretty sure I know that", Mulder answered. "I feel so much better, I see my therapist every three weeks for a talk and I live a life which ia practically perfect for me...because it's with you."

Scully couldn't help it but got chills as he said that. She was so touched by his words, so proud of him and so happy that they've been through this dark chapter of his life together. Now there was time for better chapters, filled with more light and love. Time for a new start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End! Hope you liked it! I decided not to separate them like it actually happened in the series. They deserve happiness after all ♡


End file.
